20 things to do without a million dollars

In honour of a special flower....

1: Walk: yes I mean walk, and I mean everywhere... The price of petrol and WOF's and registrations, let alone any sensible vehicle maintenance has gotten so high that walking is SMART! And people don't try and bum rides with you when you walk.

2: Diet: coinciding very nicely with walking.. if ya got to cut corners somewhere, then try my new poverty diet, guaranteed to drop kilos faster and better than any Hollywood trend diet. Trust me, just cutting out the lattes will shed weight fast!

3: Rob Peter: we've all heard the saying "robbing Peter to pay Paul". My new version is just to "rob Peter"... screw Paul, you can rob him next week. Being constantly broke is a lesson in learning new excuses every day for why a bill isn't getting paid on time. Future "20things" will be written on this, but for now let me share my favourite version of this game. Pay everything by cheque... well, not quite pay, but post away cheques for all your bills. Forgetting to sign a cheque, putting the wrong cheque in an envelope, transposing numbers ($81 is easily made $18) will gain you WEEKS of dodging those essential bills without the biller catching on.

4: Noodles are your friend: yes, they really are. And one packet of 2minute noodles can be stretched to feed a family of 4, if you are really creative you can even make it a 2 course meal.. soup for starters followed by noodles.

5: Rice is also your friend: ok, so not as much as Noodles, its a little harder to create a 2 course meal, rice water tends to be a little silty, but for the drinkers among us that are finding it hard to buy their tipple, I have heard if you leave the water in a warm place for a week or so you will have home made saki to drown your sorrows with. The average bag of rice bought for $3 should be good for a weeks worth of meals and at least 5 hangovers.

6: Visit friends: This takes a little forethought. You don't want to visit friends with poor hospitality skills, nor do you want to visit friends at the end of THEIR pay week. Plan carefully, visit when you know they are having special occasions, at the beginning of pay weeks, or on your birthday. This way they will feel compelled to feed you. And on special occasions you should hopefully get a plate to take home with you too.

7: Learn the worth of fast food resteraunts: Never order a happy meal without asking for ketchup, salt, pepper and extra tissues. These all add up! Don't be shy to take these items from other peoples orders either. Most of the time people don't even open those bags of ketchup, so help yourself.

8: Public Bathrooms: yes I went there! no one likes to admit it, but public toilets are a great source of free toilet paper. Now I know that on tv you never see people using the toilet, and that polite people don't talk about it, but the basic fact is, if you don't eat, ya don't shit, and if ya don't shit ya die. But its a fate worse than death to be caught on the loo after having a poo and having no paper to wipe ya botty with... Don't let this happen. Make a point of going in public as often as possible. Public toilets always smell like poos, this is people like me making the most of the free toilet paper, you may as well join in! No one is going to know it was you that made that smell, just let it go! And while you are there, make sure you take a large handbag with you (which also comes in handy for the above ketchup taking). NEVER leave a public restroom without extra toilet paper tucked away for those home based emergencies!

9: Gate Crash: So your neighbours keep having loud parties on the weekend and you are sitting inside your house because you have been too broke to go out... Instead of sitting there wondering is it appropriate to ring noise control, get up, get dressed and go crash the party.
They will have alcohol, and food, and free toilet paper! And if you time it right, and they are already pretty drunk, they won't even realise you are there. If by any chance they do realise you have crashed start making loud noises straight away about the noise pollution, and how forebearing you have been, but some of the other neighbours have been complaining. Have a quick look around the room, there is a good chance that some of your other neighbours are crashing too, after all, you are most likely to be living in a poor area. Blame the neighbour that isn't there.

10: Recycle: There is money to be made here folks! Go for a quiet walk (because you know you can't afford to drive) the night before rubbish day. Lots of those folks that work will have already put out their rubbish and their recycling. Now if they are working, there will be recycling because they won't be living off 2 minute noodles and homemade saki. Curbside recycling is a scam! If you collect enough recyclable goods and take them in yourself (I recommend stealing a pushchair of the solo mum next door for this job) you get cash! For other peoples rubbish! And its environmentally friendly too.


to be continued....

the reasoning behind it all

So, a friend of mine started blogging... sounds like a good reason to join the wave of people doing it, yes?
Not really, not for me.
But there was something that she blogged that made me laugh, a list of 20 things you could do WITHOUT a million dollars.
It was entirely upbeat and optimistic, full of positivity and brimming with warm, mushy feelings..
bleah!
My life is hectic, my humour is black, and my head was instantaneously filled with possibilities for a million and one "other" lists of 20 things that better suited my world.
So that's what this is. An irreverent listing of random thoughts couched in lists of 20 things.
Sadly I have a chronically short attention span, so please don't expect to see complete lists. But as life inspires it, I shall try and inject a little humour and perhaps lighten someone's day.
Feel free to join in, if it makes me laugh I will plagiarise with absolutely no guilt